Author Archives: Mandy Saligari

Leisure

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This morning when I left my house, my son came to hug me goodbye. He stopped suddenly and listened, exclaiming ‘woodpecker’. I stopped too. All the noise in my head about leaving, driving, trains, my day ahead… all cleared and I heard the woodpecker drilling into a tree. I saw a leaf flitter across the lane and closed my eyes, just for a moment.

A poem came to me. One I had learned at my desk at school and I could recall every word…

Leisure, by WH Davies

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare?

No time to stand beneath the boughs,

And stare as long as sheep and cows,

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

Post Induction Therapy

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pit photo

Pia Mellody and her training team with Mandy, Dita and Victoria from Charter!

Last week I was fortunate enough to attend a week of Post Induction Therapy with Pia Mellody in Arizona.  The model is focused on recovery from the relational trauma that manifests painfully later in life in self-destructive processes such as addiction, codependence and dysfunctional relationships.

As you can see from the photos I am not good at having my picture taken and closed my eyes to the experience!  I also do not have a great reputation for attention in class, with past school days littered with truancy.  (We teach best that which we most need to learn…!) But last week I was captivated.  Not all week I admit as I found the lecturing a bit tiring, but the information itself, the model, is wonderfully human and accessible.  It makes sense, and is interwoven with personal experience, crucially demanding that the therapist also is well!

The genuine integrity of the model was reinforced by the humility of the teachers. Both Pia and Sarah, who was co-facilitating, were keen to teach yet not hungry for applause. In fact Pia regularly yet subtly sidestepped the guru status that was often laid at her feet instead asserting the model as the prize and encouraging personal responsibility.

The PIT model aligns easily with the  therapeutic model at Charter, which is also borne of hard graft and personal experience and it should be relatively easy to integrate the two. This means the clients will experience more bodywork and shame reduction work, paying increased attention to relational childhood trauma and to the 5 core symptoms of codependence Pia describes in her books. We will also provide an intensive 3-day Trauma Reduction Workshop every 6 weeks which is inspired by ‘Survivors’ (The Meadows).

This is not a self-indulgent model it is an operation. It’s all about going home and getting on with your life, which is like a breath of fresh air.

Thank you too to my travel companions and co-trainees, Dita and Vic.  Getting to know you and spend last week with you was really special and enormous fun and I am privileged to have you on the Charter team.

 

 

New Year Sober

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It can be a real challenge staying in recovery at this time of year. Everywhere you look there seems to be food, alcohol, drugs…it’s hard to see anything other than the things you have decided to stop doing.  I’ve noticed this phenomenon before in my life, for example after I had a miscarriage all I seemed to see were pregnant women everywhere.  Believe it or not, this process has a name: attentional bias.  Your brain can take in massive amounts of diverse information, but we would live in a state of perpetual overwhelm if we didn’t have a filter system. So according to past preferences and current stimuli, your brain begins a selection process to decide what to bring to your conscious attention. Thus if you have prioritised a certain topic for long enough, your brain is primed to clear it through the selection process and hey presto: it arrives as a conscious thought.

Thus in the early stages of recovery your behaviour may have changed but the filter system remains as it was for a while, offering up ‘stinking thinking’ supported by evidence provided by your brain’s attentional bias. You need to be able to challenge this primed experience and seek out new experiences that are clean and sober, as they do exist.

It is that familiar dichotomy: listen to your feelings, don’t listen to your feelings. This means that you need to be able to have your feelings, but don’t let them dictate your behaviour. Do not believe your own press, instead stick to the plan!

So this New Year’s Eve don’t wait to be hijacked by old thoughts, make plans!

  1. Find out if any of your sober friends want to go out and make arrangements to meet and go out together as a crowd
  2. Go somewhere familiar – its often tempting to do something different because its NYE, but it often goes wrong
  3. Don’t call anyone from your past on a whim: stay in the present with people you are with
  4. If you do want to go out in a mixed crowd, make sure someone you trust in onside to help support you to stay sober, and lean on them
  5. Know what you will drink – here’s a few of my and friends favourites… ginger beer, cranberry juice, lime and soda, lemonade, elderflower, appletise, Virgin Mary,
  6. Remember it’s the build up of feelings (usually resentment) that fuels a relapse – be with people you can talk honestly to, and talk to them!
  7. If you decide to stay in on your own make sure you have things to entertain you – DVDs or a good book, with a healthy meal and a couple of friends phone numbers to check in with because that pang of loneliness may come and it’s a powerful adversary to take on alone…channel flicking at midnight is NOT a good idea as you are likely to see the best bits of everyone else’s parties and you will feel its too late to call to chat…
  8. If you run into trouble, call the AA/NA helpline – there is always someone to speak to who understands…you are truly not alone: many have gone before you and many will follow, all you have to do is the rest right thing
  9. Get to a meeting on NYE and remember the gift that is recovery: share positively
  10. Before you take any decision, play the tape forward and call someone

And at the end of the day, remember, its just another night.  So here’s wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope that 2013 mark the beginning of a year that you are proud of.

Illness

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Couldn’t believe it…as I turned the key behind me on Friday night, I almost immediately felt ill. Over the 2 hours commute home I felt worse and worse and by the time I got back I could barely walk. I took cold and flu capsules and took to my bed, only to wake the next morning with a ferocious cough and cold that left me breathless. But I had been meticulously working towards this week for months and was going to put up a fight!

Being ill is always a challenge for people in recovery.  Do you take the meds or not? Should you take ones that make you drowsy or contain codeine? Not a great idea… So where is your bottom line?

Thankfully I have had the good fortune to know an amazing natural healer who has shared many secrets with me over the years, one of which I shall share with you now…

A drink that tastes FAR better than it sounds (it couldn’t taste worse!), this will boost your immune system, and protect many of your main organs including the heart and the liver (it will also get you socially rejected…don’t take it personally!).

Whizz: 3 peeled garlic cloves, 2 unpeeled carrots I stick of celery with leaves, I medium tomato, 1scrubbed sweet potato, unpeeled, & cut into sticks, ½ deseeded Jalepeno pepper, a thumb length of white radish and add water for texture.

Drink twice a day for 3 days!

Good health and happy Christmas!

One year clean and sober, in a letter to her brother, this Charter alumni feels the pain of the family illness…

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“A year and a half ago you came to visit me in one of the detox centres I was in and out of, and told me you were scared I was going to kill myself in my active addiction. You were so frightened I would die and at the time I couldn’t and didn’t want to hear you. I was so in it I couldn’t acknowledge what I was doing to myself or to my family.

Thank you for trying though and for being there.

Today I need to tell you how I feel: Its my turn to feel scared that now you will kill yourself with your alcoholism. You and I share the condition of alcoholism/addiction (it’s one and the same) and what I also want to tell you is this: it is soooo possible to have a good quality life without drugs or alcohol!

Though I am the first to understand and the last to judge how you live your life, I am extremely worried for and about you. Frequent drunk driving and destroying our body and health are just two of the many examples of crazy things we both do in active alcoholism/addiction. I can’t continue to stand by and pretend it’s okay, that’s it’s normal and that’s just the way it is- it’s not okay- it’s not normal- and you deserve so much better. You are a beautiful and very special person who deserves a good and happy life.

Before, I couldn’t imagine a life without drink or drugs- what would be left of me?? I was also really scared to stop because then I would have to face my past and my demons and deal with my issues- I thought it would be harder than continuing to use. But nothing is worst than the acute pain of the shame, loneliness and guilt that accompanies active alcoholism/addiction.

Life is not easy but from where I was, I am now generally content and even often happy! And I feel free of that constant shame, guilt, obsession and control- no more lies, I can look people in the eyes (including my family who I adore) and I feel free and hopeful!

THIS IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TOO!! I believe this 100% and I am so here for you if and when you decide to ask for help. And we can kick this disease in the ass!

I love you and hope to see you soon.”

Minimum Price for Alcohol

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http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/nov/28/45p-minimum-alcohol-price-crime

I completely support a minimum price for alcohol of 50p per unit, and welcome the introduction of 45p. I hope it doesn’t stop there. Research shows that money plays a big part in young drinkers and heavy drinkers where quality is not the point, getting drunk is the sole goal, but we need to not only make it difficult for these drinkers to achieve this but also support them to work through whatever their time bomb is that drives them to binge drink in the first place.

 

Parenting for Prevention

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Thank you all who attended last week’s Parenting for Prevention presentation.  It is without doubt my greatest privilege to inspire parents and those in positions of care to learn simple boundaries that go a long way towards providing a healthy environment for a child.  Plus spotting the danger zones – not getting drawn into arguments you didn’t see coming is a big advantage!  I encourage you all to stay in charge and on your toes around your teen population. They need you to know, to be strong enough in yourself to say a considered yes or no and cope with the consequences!

Don’t forget we have a family group every Tuesday evening and costs £300pa unlimited access, so if you want more, that’s where you’ll find it! Call the office for more details…

 

Alcohol and pregnancy …the effect of ‘ordinary drinkers’ on the unborn child

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This article tells us what we need to hear and not what we want to hear: i.e. drinking AT ALL when pregnant affects the unborn child’s IQ.

We are not talking about alcoholic drinking or binge drinking either. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a well-documented, permanent severe mental and physical consequence for the child of heavy drinking by mother during pregnancy. But this is not where this research is aimed.  No, this research relates to a couple of glasses of wine a week!

When pregnant, women often report feeling different and separate from the group, as well as stressed, uncertain, out of sorts and under pressure.  It may feel hard enough without also not being able to drink a glass of wine ‘to relax’.  But this research suggests that the price you may pay ‘to relax or feel part of’ may actually be too high. IQ is not just intelligence, it represents the ability to interact and understand; a powerful influence in self-esteem. Your child may pay with his or her quality of life for your need to use alcohol for 9 months. Not a balanced equation no matter what your mathematic ability!

So we need to support women – and maybe even more ambitiously our society – to find other ways to relax so that alcohol steps down from top slot of how to clock off.  It is a depressant, it causes accidents, is fundamental in many severe health problems, causes long term and debilitating mental health issues, and now we can see that it impacts on our future generation’s IQ before it is even born.

With such compelling evidence around negative impact of alcohol on the unborn child we must invest in other strategies. We need to learn how to stop, pause, take a breath so that all that we strive for and invite into our lives doesn’t drown us in its administration and relentless rhythm. In pregnancy we lay the foundations for the child’s profile as well as for our relationship with him or her, and those 9 months should not be overlooked nor taken for granted. In fact they are an opportunity for investment!  Mindfulness Meditation is a powerful method that focuses on the breath and helps to alleviate anxiety, pressure and even craving by letting go of thoughts and feelings without banishing them or trying to control them. It can help make mental and emotional space to forge a connection between the unborn baby and its mother as well as to gain essential perspective. Similarly pregnancy yoga provides a proactive engagement with the changing body and mind, and has proven positive health benefits, pregnant or not. Laughing, singing, dancing, exercise have also all been widely researched and promoted in their positive effect on well-being.

Be in the solution…

Read more here:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/nov/14/iq-study-drinking-alcohol-pregnancy

Children held in police cells under Mental Health Act

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http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-20377493

Reading this report just highlights the lack of services, or access to services, we have in this country for children in crisis. It is shameful and needs rectifying.  Children are our future and we need to wake up to this FACT and invest in them! Its not enough to think that wonderful charities such as Children in Need, or Childline sufficiently tick the box, this needs to be a cultural shift in attitude. We need to provide education and funding to encourage growth, support and safety for those in need, intervention and treatment for those in crisis and an attitude of compassion rather than judgement for the situation this population finds itself in – ask yourselves: who set their society up like this?

So similar to the situation I often find myself in, talking to a parent who is struggling with a difficult child who is under 12.  I almost always work with the parent/s first, look at the environment they have deliberately or unwittingly set up, and consider the ‘difficult behaviour’ as a clue that points to the culture of the family, or unresolved parental issues. Of course when that child begins to act out in ways that are not acceptable the problem becomes theirs AS WELL, and there needs to be containment, consequences and constructive criticism. But we must not forget the source.

I see unresolved issues like litter lying around, and a child will pick it up. They cannot help it.  They are primed from birth to soak up the environment and they have barely any filter.  Then they carry this litter as if it is their own and are judged accordingly. This is called scapegoating, and it thrives in a culture of denial.  I believe this is happening on a micro and macro scale. The problems are simple and we complicate the answers with self centredness, greed, and red tape.

I mean, tell me WHY there is no teen rehab in this country?

National Treatment Agency warns club drug users

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I read this article with great interest. I have worked with many club drug users and it does demand a different approach insomauch as it is crucial to attend to the person in relation to their peer group as a fundamental part of treatment. Like with any other drug dependence, we have to help the person get abstinent, but for this to be sustainable, they must learn how to allow themselves to have fun, socialise, dance and meet people clean.  So many people relapse (or live miserably) because they just cannot function socially without the drug – it becomes a choice between sober isolation of drug affected interaction. It’s not easy to overcome social anxiety at the best of times, but when your ability has been propped up by years of drug use, it can feel impossible.  Working to develop a strong sense of who you are, your own sense of humour, a comfort in your skin so you can stand without feeling self conscious, dance without reservation, chat with less fear is fundamental to a successful and wholehearted recovery.

Read the full article:  http://www.nta.nhs.uk/Club%20drugs%20report%202012.aspx