I have been thinking a lot about time recently…

Not just because of the time of year poignant with memories and expectation, triggered by twinkling lights and cold dark nights, but so much has happened too that has reminded me of who I have been and who I am now.  

Just over a week ago I gave a day of lectures on addiction at my old school where I was bullied and it all began. That really was a day of reckoning as I went back to my painful teenage years and finally perhaps collected Mandy as I spoke truthfully and with compassion about her journey. The school has changed so much and I was grateful for the care and interest I received that day.  Maybe too the sad death of the great Nelson Mandela, reminding me of the urgent anti-apartheid marches of my youth and cold nights spent on the pavement outside the South African embassy stirred memories deep within of youthful passion and dreams of revolution. What a wonderful and exceptional man reminding us all of the power of forgiveness and peace… and perhaps its because I had an accident on Thursday, hitting black ice and writing my car off. My first ever car accident and what they say is strangely true as time slowed to a surreal pace where I could place my hand on my son’s leg, and reassure him that we were skidding on ice and we’d be ok. We are, thankfully, though the car is not. The following day heralded my mother’s 80th birthday, and we spent an evening indulging in nostalgia prompted by old photographs and family stories.  Not once that night did she say ‘don’t worry about me!’ as she uncharacteristically welcomed the congratulations and spoiling that she was due. 

And so I sit here on a Sunday night, my family asleep in their beds and me poised for another week of doing what I love, feeling so very grateful for the simple truth of the promises of recovery : that I can indeed be present and grateful for every moment of my life that I choose to be (until my train is late again that is, and I am stuck outside London Bridge once more, listening to the apologetic excuses from British Rail as the day ticks on..tick-tock..… but yes, that’s pure projection…they might indeed surprise me yet!)

International Animal Rescue Event

I was incredibly proud to be included on the fundraising committee for International Animal Rescue which culminated in a glittering event last week with guest speaker Buzz Aldrin at George in Mayfair. We raised lots of funds for a great cause, thank you to those who kindly donated and well done all!

International Animal Rescue is hands on, just like Charter’s method of treatment, they don’t pussy foot around but do what’s required on the ground – an attitude I wholeheartedly support.

Sure there must be time to reflect and consider – you will totally misunderstand me if you think I am as impulsive as I look! – but there must also be a time to act.  That scene in Monty Python’s Life of Brian where they have a meeting about a meeting always makes me laugh as does the moment in ‘The Gods Must Be Crazy’ (wonderful B movie from late ‘70s) when everyone has to ‘look busy’ in the office.  We are all too good at justified prevarication reinforced by bureaucratic accountability and in this sadly I think we often lose the moment of opportunity.

It is in this moment that I think charities such as IAR or our therapeutic approach at Charter really works. We capitalise on that moment.

At Charter its all about what’s happening right now and therefore what do you do/want to do. So often people want to talk about their father/mother/childhood etc., about what happened back then, but actually I believe the action lies in ‘[therefore] how are you now’ – it lies in taking the risk to actually be there with them right then. Almost a counter therapy stance where there is very little interpretation.

I enjoyed chatting with Bill Bailey enormously, and with Buzz Aldrin, and enjoyed several other conversations about the vital importance of a culture of kindness with boundaries, which inevitably led over and again to the subject of addiction…how does that happen?!

IAR_George_100IAR_George_101

IAR_George_111

 

Legal Highs

So pleased to note that Reading Festival banned Legal Highs from their festival over the weekend.

Legal Highs pose a particular kind of problem that to me signals exactly why drugs should maintain an identity in terms of the law. The lack of any kind of legal identification paradoxically indicates safety – ie these are ok as they are no illegal. Yet these substances, clearly identified as ‘not for human consumption’ are made with poisons and toxic substances that are completely unregulated and unidentified exposing the curious teen to life threatening experimentation in the name of a good time and rock ‘n’ roll; particularly when mixed with alcohol.

People need proper education around drugs so they know what risks they are taking, and the proper support available when they run into difficulty.  They also need to recognise difficulty when it happens; sounds strange but it’s true.  An aspect of Addiction is denial; so knowing you have a problem is genuinely hard. The role of the justice system should be to provide support by maintaining a legal line in the sand for those who abuse the system.

How many more deaths need to occur before we take action and follow Reading’s example?

Self Harm

Self harm is a pattern of behaviour that, like so many addictive patterns and dysfunctional coping mechanisms, can be hidden in plain view, even in those as young as under 10 yrs old. Here are some important early warning signs, behaviours and influences that may help you catch it sooner and in a way that is helpful to you and your child. 

There is always a danger of a child being out of their depth when they are driven by emotion, as the self-regulation function is out of register. So for example when someone is angry they will have elevated levels of adrenaline and noradrenalin in their system, which inhibits the experience of pain. So when they are e.g. cutting themselves they may well cut too deep as they simply do not feel it. Its incredibly important to accept a child’s emotional expression, even if it feels too much or out of order.  A child will earn quickly if you help them manage their experience and expression of these emotions respectfully and with boundaries.

If your child is cutting or burning, seek medical help for the wounds; if you feel out of your depth and that you cannot deal with the way your child is behaving then seek support from a child and adolescent psychotherapist (one with integrative arts training is particularly effective for less invasive intervention and assessment) or an EMDR therapist who specialises in working with children. You can also seek support for yourself from an addiction specialist. Trying to deal with it yourself and failing can generate negative emotions, making the child feel even more hopeless and the parent feel useless. Both will foster resentment, which in turn drives the urge to self-harm – a vicious circle.

Please note a child can also self harm by inviting and provoking physical assault from siblings or parents. It is a way to indirectly ventilate emotion, such as anger or hurt, by making another person responsible. If your child (or indeed any member of your family) is perpetually making you want to rage at them or hit them, then they may be using you as a conduit to express their own pain. The acting out is simply a purging of the overwhelm and will not deal with the problem. So the parent who feels ‘better’ after screaming is describing the feeling of empty before inevitably ‘filling up ‘ again. The answer is to treat the pattern as a clue to a hidden issue that if dealt with appropriately can be treated. Again EMDR is particularly effective as a brief and non-invasive trauma intervention. It works with an ‘unconscious’ part of the brain, and can bring about significant changes for a person in terms of how they manage mood and memories, in a relatively short period of time.  Highly effective for children as they don’t need to be able to talk well to get well.

I think we need to keep in mind how much pressure children are under to perform in today’s globally competitive world. They are competing physically, mentally, socially, practically…. And children are very quick to criticise and shame one another, and have access to multiple ways to put themselves up by putting another person down. (i.e. bullying, cyber bullying). The impact of negative attention can spread widely and quickly, alienating and scapegoating a child almost overnight. Children know this and are keen to remain ‘in’ with one another, placing them on high alert about what they wear, look like – weight, size, fashion sense, ability, image, spots, hair growth, etc.

Constant exams and testing places them under strain to pass but doesn’t introduce a concept of in-depth learning and consideration, so they are culturally encouraged to skim the surface – by implication, this does not teach them how to cope with deeper emotions. I often meet children who think they are ridiculous and over sensitive for having certain emotional needs or experiences, yet on further exploration I will often find they are displaying and experiencing a ‘normal’ level of affect.

I believe that many children are left to their own devices too much and do not have what I would consider to be a consistent model of a ‘good enough parent’ – providing the temporary regulation, a respectful guide, in a consistent way of a parent who is in good shape themselves. Many parents are over stretched and as a result either the child ends up taking care of the parent (not needing or wanting anything from them) or they sadly neglect the child’s core needs believing that to simply feed them, have a laugh and get them to school is enough. Children’s brains are not fully developed until the end of the teen years so until then they require guidance (decreasing as they get older) from someone they can trust and respect – pie in the sky?

I have met countless children in the middle class demographic, who when they experience profound emotion will seek ways to cope with it that are self-sufficient and appear to be short term. (ie hitting self when angry, punching self, banging head against a wall, scratching, cutting, burning, starving) and their families know they do it have not taken it seriously, often coping with it by making a joke of how sensitive the child is, perhaps in the hope that it will simply ‘go away’. But in my experience these things often graduate into eating disorders, codependence (needy giving), and alcohol and drug abuse and misuse. It is a visible part of the addictive cycle that is awash in today’s culture and it should be dealt with seriously at an early age when there is an opportunity for effective and brief intervention.

 

New Year Sober

It can be a real challenge staying in recovery at this time of year. Everywhere you look there seems to be food, alcohol, drugs…it’s hard to see anything other than the things you have decided to stop doing.  I’ve noticed this phenomenon before in my life, for example after I had a miscarriage all I seemed to see were pregnant women everywhere.  Believe it or not, this process has a name: attentional bias.  Your brain can take in massive amounts of diverse information, but we would live in a state of perpetual overwhelm if we didn’t have a filter system. So according to past preferences and current stimuli, your brain begins a selection process to decide what to bring to your conscious attention. Thus if you have prioritised a certain topic for long enough, your brain is primed to clear it through the selection process and hey presto: it arrives as a conscious thought.

Thus in the early stages of recovery your behaviour may have changed but the filter system remains as it was for a while, offering up ‘stinking thinking’ supported by evidence provided by your brain’s attentional bias. You need to be able to challenge this primed experience and seek out new experiences that are clean and sober, as they do exist.

It is that familiar dichotomy: listen to your feelings, don’t listen to your feelings. This means that you need to be able to have your feelings, but don’t let them dictate your behaviour. Do not believe your own press, instead stick to the plan!

So this New Year’s Eve don’t wait to be hijacked by old thoughts, make plans!

  1. Find out if any of your sober friends want to go out and make arrangements to meet and go out together as a crowd
  2. Go somewhere familiar – its often tempting to do something different because its NYE, but it often goes wrong
  3. Don’t call anyone from your past on a whim: stay in the present with people you are with
  4. If you do want to go out in a mixed crowd, make sure someone you trust in onside to help support you to stay sober, and lean on them
  5. Know what you will drink – here’s a few of my and friends favourites… ginger beer, cranberry juice, lime and soda, lemonade, elderflower, appletise, Virgin Mary,
  6. Remember it’s the build up of feelings (usually resentment) that fuels a relapse – be with people you can talk honestly to, and talk to them!
  7. If you decide to stay in on your own make sure you have things to entertain you – DVDs or a good book, with a healthy meal and a couple of friends phone numbers to check in with because that pang of loneliness may come and it’s a powerful adversary to take on alone…channel flicking at midnight is NOT a good idea as you are likely to see the best bits of everyone else’s parties and you will feel its too late to call to chat…
  8. If you run into trouble, call the AA/NA helpline – there is always someone to speak to who understands…you are truly not alone: many have gone before you and many will follow, all you have to do is the rest right thing
  9. Get to a meeting on NYE and remember the gift that is recovery: share positively
  10. Before you take any decision, play the tape forward and call someone

And at the end of the day, remember, its just another night.  So here’s wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope that 2013 mark the beginning of a year that you are proud of.

Illness

Couldn’t believe it…as I turned the key behind me on Friday night, I almost immediately felt ill. Over the 2 hours commute home I felt worse and worse and by the time I got back I could barely walk. I took cold and flu capsules and took to my bed, only to wake the next morning with a ferocious cough and cold that left me breathless. But I had been meticulously working towards this week for months and was going to put up a fight!

Being ill is always a challenge for people in recovery.  Do you take the meds or not? Should you take ones that make you drowsy or contain codeine? Not a great idea… So where is your bottom line?

Thankfully I have had the good fortune to know an amazing natural healer who has shared many secrets with me over the years, one of which I shall share with you now…

A drink that tastes FAR better than it sounds (it couldn’t taste worse!), this will boost your immune system, and protect many of your main organs including the heart and the liver (it will also get you socially rejected…don’t take it personally!).

Whizz: 3 peeled garlic cloves, 2 unpeeled carrots I stick of celery with leaves, I medium tomato, 1scrubbed sweet potato, unpeeled, & cut into sticks, ½ deseeded Jalepeno pepper, a thumb length of white radish and add water for texture.

Drink twice a day for 3 days!

Good health and happy Christmas!

One year clean and sober, in a letter to her brother, this Charter alumni feels the pain of the family illness…

“A year and a half ago you came to visit me in one of the detox centres I was in and out of, and told me you were scared I was going to kill myself in my active addiction. You were so frightened I would die and at the time I couldn’t and didn’t want to hear you. I was so in it I couldn’t acknowledge what I was doing to myself or to my family.

Thank you for trying though and for being there.

Today I need to tell you how I feel: Its my turn to feel scared that now you will kill yourself with your alcoholism. You and I share the condition of alcoholism/addiction (it’s one and the same) and what I also want to tell you is this: it is soooo possible to have a good quality life without drugs or alcohol!

Though I am the first to understand and the last to judge how you live your life, I am extremely worried for and about you. Frequent drunk driving and destroying our body and health are just two of the many examples of crazy things we both do in active alcoholism/addiction. I can’t continue to stand by and pretend it’s okay, that’s it’s normal and that’s just the way it is- it’s not okay- it’s not normal- and you deserve so much better. You are a beautiful and very special person who deserves a good and happy life.

Before, I couldn’t imagine a life without drink or drugs- what would be left of me?? I was also really scared to stop because then I would have to face my past and my demons and deal with my issues- I thought it would be harder than continuing to use. But nothing is worst than the acute pain of the shame, loneliness and guilt that accompanies active alcoholism/addiction.

Life is not easy but from where I was, I am now generally content and even often happy! And I feel free of that constant shame, guilt, obsession and control- no more lies, I can look people in the eyes (including my family who I adore) and I feel free and hopeful!

THIS IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TOO!! I believe this 100% and I am so here for you if and when you decide to ask for help. And we can kick this disease in the ass!

I love you and hope to see you soon.”

Minimum Price for Alcohol

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/nov/28/45p-minimum-alcohol-price-crime

I completely support a minimum price for alcohol of 50p per unit, and welcome the introduction of 45p. I hope it doesn’t stop there. Research shows that money plays a big part in young drinkers and heavy drinkers where quality is not the point, getting drunk is the sole goal, but we need to not only make it difficult for these drinkers to achieve this but also support them to work through whatever their time bomb is that drives them to binge drink in the first place.

 

Parenting for Prevention

Thank you all who attended last week’s Parenting for Prevention presentation.  It is without doubt my greatest privilege to inspire parents and those in positions of care to learn simple boundaries that go a long way towards providing a healthy environment for a child.  Plus spotting the danger zones – not getting drawn into arguments you didn’t see coming is a big advantage!  I encourage you all to stay in charge and on your toes around your teen population. They need you to know, to be strong enough in yourself to say a considered yes or no and cope with the consequences!

Don’t forget we have a family group every Tuesday evening and costs £300pa unlimited access, so if you want more, that’s where you’ll find it! Call the office for more details…

 

Alcohol and pregnancy …the effect of ‘ordinary drinkers’ on the unborn child

This article tells us what we need to hear and not what we want to hear: i.e. drinking AT ALL when pregnant affects the unborn child’s IQ.

We are not talking about alcoholic drinking or binge drinking either. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a well-documented, permanent severe mental and physical consequence for the child of heavy drinking by mother during pregnancy. But this is not where this research is aimed.  No, this research relates to a couple of glasses of wine a week!

When pregnant, women often report feeling different and separate from the group, as well as stressed, uncertain, out of sorts and under pressure.  It may feel hard enough without also not being able to drink a glass of wine ‘to relax’.  But this research suggests that the price you may pay ‘to relax or feel part of’ may actually be too high. IQ is not just intelligence, it represents the ability to interact and understand; a powerful influence in self-esteem. Your child may pay with his or her quality of life for your need to use alcohol for 9 months. Not a balanced equation no matter what your mathematic ability!

So we need to support women – and maybe even more ambitiously our society – to find other ways to relax so that alcohol steps down from top slot of how to clock off.  It is a depressant, it causes accidents, is fundamental in many severe health problems, causes long term and debilitating mental health issues, and now we can see that it impacts on our future generation’s IQ before it is even born.

With such compelling evidence around negative impact of alcohol on the unborn child we must invest in other strategies. We need to learn how to stop, pause, take a breath so that all that we strive for and invite into our lives doesn’t drown us in its administration and relentless rhythm. In pregnancy we lay the foundations for the child’s profile as well as for our relationship with him or her, and those 9 months should not be overlooked nor taken for granted. In fact they are an opportunity for investment!  Mindfulness Meditation is a powerful method that focuses on the breath and helps to alleviate anxiety, pressure and even craving by letting go of thoughts and feelings without banishing them or trying to control them. It can help make mental and emotional space to forge a connection between the unborn baby and its mother as well as to gain essential perspective. Similarly pregnancy yoga provides a proactive engagement with the changing body and mind, and has proven positive health benefits, pregnant or not. Laughing, singing, dancing, exercise have also all been widely researched and promoted in their positive effect on well-being.

Be in the solution…

Read more here:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/nov/14/iq-study-drinking-alcohol-pregnancy