A recent article in ‘The Times’ that I was interviewed about Cannabis

Times article 14th March 2015 by Rachel Carlyle that Mandy was interviewed for recently.
The drugs conversation: what you must say to your child
Rachel Carlyle
Last updated at 12:01AM, March 14 2015
Talking to children about the dangers of drugs seemed so much easier in the Eighties when the entire cast of Grange Hill sang Just Say No on Top of the Pops and our parents tended to leave the finer points to teachers.
But now that cannabis is part of mainstream teenage culture, it’s crucial for parents to be more actively involved, campaigners say. We can’t leave it to schools, either, as even the government’s own advisers concluded earlier this month that most drug-education lessons were ineffective. The Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD) added that targeted anti-drug mass-media campaigns could actually encourage children to try them.
“There’s good evidence that teens are under more peer pressure now to try drugs,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Alex Horne, of the Nightingale Hospital in London. “Social media puts them under huge pressure. There’s a world out there that kids can access very easily so parents do need to give them guidance.”
This week a study from Northwestern University in the US found that smoking cannabis for just three years as a teenager can damage long-term memory. Parents urgently need to get better informed, according to addiction specialist Mandy Saligari, the director of Charter Harley Street. “I will talk to 150 15-year-olds and ask, without their teachers there, who has tried cannabis — and most hands go up. It’s absolutely the norm. Parents need knowledge of what’s out there, what it looks like and what people are doing with it.”
New psychoactive substances — so-called “legal highs” designed to mimic Class A drugs — are readily available online. Andrew Halls, headmaster of King’s College School in Wimbledon, warned last week that dealers now operated openly “like an Ocado delivery”.
Official figures show that teenage drug use — especially of Class A drugs such as heroin and cocaine — is stable or falling, with 16 per cent of 11 to 15-year-olds admitting they had tried them. But a report by Public Health England in January revealed that the number of under-18s receiving treatment for problems with cannabis is rising — 13,659 in 2013-14, compared with 9,043 in 2005-06, even though the numbers treated for Class A drug problems and alcohol had fallen markedly over the same period.
So how should parents approach the subject, and when?
Do we have to accept that our children will try drugs at some stage?
Possibly, but never let them know you think that. It’s more effective to have an expectation that they won’t, says Andrew Brown, director at the charity DrugScope: “Some interesting research shows that if you can hold on to the expectation that they won’t take drugs for the good reasons you’ve explained to them, even when they are going to parties at 15 or 16, research shows that they are less likely to have problems later on. It’s difficult to know how long this protective effect lasts but it seems to make a difference — as long as you express it clearly within a loving relationship.”
The ideal is to find the middle ground between being too lax (because children of these parents are more likely to drink, smoke and take drugs at an earlier age) and too fierce (because they won’t tell you what they’re up to). “They need to feel there are rules and expectations but that they can talk to you if there’s a problem,” Brown says.
Whether they try drugs is down to a complex mix of factors: whether the cool gang at school are into drugs and if your child wants to be in that gang; whether they feel supported at home; whether their self-esteem is high enough to say no. Adolescent psychologist Dr John Coleman, author of Why Won’t My Teenager Talk To Me, points out that teens with low self-esteem are more drawn to risk-taking peer groups and will be more influenced by them because they are looking for ways to be liked.
How to talk to children aged 12 and over
Eleven-year-olds will tell you they are against drugs and will never try them, but it’s what happens in the next four years that matters. By Year 10, classrooms tend to divide into those who take drugs and those who don’t, Saligari says. A “Just Say No” message doesn’t cut it. The key is to lay out the facts and research into the risks and impart your own preference that they don’t take them, while not directly telling them not to. Year 8 is a good time for these kinds of conversations as drugs are part of the PSHE (personal, social, health and economic) curriculum. Saligari says: “I would say something like, ‘I know drugs are widely available, and even if you sit here and look me in the eye and say you’ll never take them, I don’t think you can guarantee that now. You will see people at parties and it will look like they are having a good time and you may be tempted or feel pressured into saying yes. So I want you to know the facts about drugs. I’m letting you know what my preference is — that you don’t take them.’ Then you give them practical strategies for what to do if they are offered drugs. You want to leave them with the idea that you don’t want them to do it, but they can come to you if they get into trouble.”
Useful research to mention includes a study from Duke University showing that those who smoked cannabis as teenagers ended up at age 38 with an IQ eight points lower.
This is thought to be because drugs have a worse effect on teenage brains because they are still developing. Other studies have linked cannabis — especially skunk, which is two or three times stronger than traditional cannabis and is the drug of choice for many teens — to depression, anxiety and schizophrenia in later life.
But parents shouldn’t go overboard
“A teenager will know if you are exaggerating the risk,” Dr Horne says. “They’ll say they know plenty of people who smoke weed and never go mad. What makes it difficult is that we can’t say 100 per cent that skunk causes mental-health problems and schizophrenia, although that’s the way the evidence is heading. You can give them the knowledge to make sensible decisions, but whether they will take them is another matter.”
Should you tell them about the ‘highs’ as well as the risks?
If we continually harp on about the harmful effects of drugs, without mentioning the temporary pleasure, we run the risk of giving such an incomplete picture that we only pique their curiosity. Teens often tell drugs counsellors that, because their parents and teachers only mentioned the downsides, they felt they were being lied to, which made them want to try drugs to find out the truth.
“One of the first questions my kids had for me was: ‘Why do people take them?’ ” Brown says. “We have to acknowledge that people take them because they think they will enjoy the sensation, at least at the beginning, but for some that gets out of control. Some people have really bad experiences and some die — although most do not. Not everyone gets addicted but we do know from science that the brain is affected, and your brain is still developing until your mid-twenties.”
Be careful about admitting to your own past use
Confessing to your own dabbling sounds like a good way to create a moment of connection with your teenager. But experts advise treading carefully.
“You just don’t know how it will be taken,” Brown says. “Perhaps it will be seen as a sort of permission to try drugs, in which case your moral authority might be lost. Or they might say, ‘What do you know? Things are different now.’ My reading of the evidence is that it’s better to stick to the values you want to impart and the reasons why you hold them and not get drawn into discussions of your past. It’s difficult if you get asked a straight question — my best answer would be to deflect: ‘It’s not about what I did, it’s about you.’ ”
Saligari agrees: “It’s a huge party line for parents — the ‘I did it once or twice but didn’t like it’ type of argument. If you are going to disclose, be honest. If you’re not they will know and they won’t believe anything you say on the subject after that.” She advises not disclosing your history, at least not when you’re talking about their experience. “I would say, ‘I’m happy to talk about my own history — maybe later on — but right now I am interested why you want to know. Why does it matter what I did?’ You have to be careful. They are looking for things that undermine the validity of your argument.”
Start to talk when they’re five or six
This doesn’t mean sitting a six-year-old down and saying: “Right, now we’re going to discuss illegal drugs.” But answer their questions from early on so they know about the concept of legal and illegal drugs, and have short, occasional discussions based on what they are exposed to — on the news, from TV or older siblings. Brown has been talking to his sons about drugs since they were five: “You can relate it to what they are interested in. Both my children were obsessed with wrestling when they were eight or nine, so we discussed steroids. What did they use to make themselves look like that? Why would they use them? What would be the effects?” Keep short and informed discussions going until they’re 11 or 12 when it’s time for more details.
If they are trying them anyway, should we let them try drugs at home?
Some parents feel that if their child is going to take drugs it’s better to take them at home where they are safe. This is universally seen as a bad idea by those in the field. “Adolescents want parents to be parents, even though it may not seem like that when they are shouting, ‘You never trust me, you’re always telling me off,’ ” Dr Horne says. “They want their parents to provide boundaries while they are in the transition stage to adulthood. The more parents are parental the better. If you have a parent who is passing them a joint it confuses that relationship and sends a very mixed message: you’re condoning something that society objects to. Is the parent saying, ‘I want you to take drugs’ as opposed to ‘I am allowing you to experiment’?”
The best drugs education doesn’t mention drugs
The ACMD report identified only three school-based programmes that were beneficial, and none of them even mentioned drugs. They concentrated on building children’s resilience and emotional skills. One, Preventure, which runs in 25 schools across London, targets the known risk factors for early-onset substance abuse — anxiety, sensitivity, sensation-seeking, negative thinking and impulsivity — and gives 13 to 16-year-olds extra coping skills so they make better decisions.
Parents should help children to have a good sense of self and an ability to understand what they are feeling, and should give practical solutions to deal with negative feelings such as anger or anxiety.
“You’re giving them the internal resources to deal with their feelings and building resilience so they are not looking for something outside themselves to solve their problems,” Saligari says. “Those who progress to regular drug use and addiction are often those who can’t fix their negative feelings or anxiety themselves.”
What if you suspect they are taking drugs?
How parents act now is crucial; never accuse. Create time for a proper conversation, Dr Horne says. “Say, ‘Look I’ve heard things on the grapevine and I just wondered if you were aware what’s going on? Have you been approached, maybe someone’s put you under pressure?’ If they say, ‘Why are you asking; are you saying I’m on drugs?’ you might say, ‘Well I have noticed you have been exhausted/spending a long time in your room and I’m worried about you.’
“What you’re aiming for is an exploration of the issue, being open and sensitive, but not accusing. If they storm off, you have at least left them with the feeling that you care. You may not get an immediate positive outcome but you have opened something up and they may well come back to you later. If you are able to contain your anxiety it will go better.”
Don’t think you have to get specialist help in immediately. If you know they will calm down in a couple of days and be ready to talk, then wait. But if it’s uncharacteristic, don’t ignore it, Dr Horne says. “Explore around the issue: talk to friends’ parents, your own friends and relations, perhaps the GP. Teachers, particularly, can be very helpful and they know what services are available locally.”
What if their friends are taking drugs?
Again, don’t rush in with accusations: it’s possible your child is doing it too but not definite. “It’s true that you’re more likely to adopt the behaviours of people you want to hang out with or be romantically involved with,” says Andrew Brown.
But it’s also possible they feel pulled in a direction they don’t want to go, or have tried it once and decided not to do it again. “If they have good self-esteem and they feel ill after taking drugs or don’t enjoy it, it’s unlikely they will try them again,” Saligari says. “Explore the issue gently by saying you’ve heard on the grapevine that some of their friends might be taking drugs, but don’t criticise their friends, even subtly, as you will put them on the defensive. Say you’re worried about your child because you know how easy it is to hit problems. They need to feel the door is left open to talk and share something that is probably frightening them. You can
also suggest ways they can say no — they might say to their friends: ‘Why are you so keen for me to be stoned? I am quite happy as I am. But you go ahead, I don’t mind and I won’t judge you, but I don’t want to.’ ”

I have been thinking a lot about time recently…

Not just because of the time of year poignant with memories and expectation, triggered by twinkling lights and cold dark nights, but so much has happened too that has reminded me of who I have been and who I am now.  

Just over a week ago I gave a day of lectures on addiction at my old school where I was bullied and it all began. That really was a day of reckoning as I went back to my painful teenage years and finally perhaps collected Mandy as I spoke truthfully and with compassion about her journey. The school has changed so much and I was grateful for the care and interest I received that day.  Maybe too the sad death of the great Nelson Mandela, reminding me of the urgent anti-apartheid marches of my youth and cold nights spent on the pavement outside the South African embassy stirred memories deep within of youthful passion and dreams of revolution. What a wonderful and exceptional man reminding us all of the power of forgiveness and peace… and perhaps its because I had an accident on Thursday, hitting black ice and writing my car off. My first ever car accident and what they say is strangely true as time slowed to a surreal pace where I could place my hand on my son’s leg, and reassure him that we were skidding on ice and we’d be ok. We are, thankfully, though the car is not. The following day heralded my mother’s 80th birthday, and we spent an evening indulging in nostalgia prompted by old photographs and family stories.  Not once that night did she say ‘don’t worry about me!’ as she uncharacteristically welcomed the congratulations and spoiling that she was due. 

And so I sit here on a Sunday night, my family asleep in their beds and me poised for another week of doing what I love, feeling so very grateful for the simple truth of the promises of recovery : that I can indeed be present and grateful for every moment of my life that I choose to be (until my train is late again that is, and I am stuck outside London Bridge once more, listening to the apologetic excuses from British Rail as the day ticks on..tick-tock..… but yes, that’s pure projection…they might indeed surprise me yet!)

International Animal Rescue Event

I was incredibly proud to be included on the fundraising committee for International Animal Rescue which culminated in a glittering event last week with guest speaker Buzz Aldrin at George in Mayfair. We raised lots of funds for a great cause, thank you to those who kindly donated and well done all!

International Animal Rescue is hands on, just like Charter’s method of treatment, they don’t pussy foot around but do what’s required on the ground – an attitude I wholeheartedly support.

Sure there must be time to reflect and consider – you will totally misunderstand me if you think I am as impulsive as I look! – but there must also be a time to act.  That scene in Monty Python’s Life of Brian where they have a meeting about a meeting always makes me laugh as does the moment in ‘The Gods Must Be Crazy’ (wonderful B movie from late ‘70s) when everyone has to ‘look busy’ in the office.  We are all too good at justified prevarication reinforced by bureaucratic accountability and in this sadly I think we often lose the moment of opportunity.

It is in this moment that I think charities such as IAR or our therapeutic approach at Charter really works. We capitalise on that moment.

At Charter its all about what’s happening right now and therefore what do you do/want to do. So often people want to talk about their father/mother/childhood etc., about what happened back then, but actually I believe the action lies in ‘[therefore] how are you now’ – it lies in taking the risk to actually be there with them right then. Almost a counter therapy stance where there is very little interpretation.

I enjoyed chatting with Bill Bailey enormously, and with Buzz Aldrin, and enjoyed several other conversations about the vital importance of a culture of kindness with boundaries, which inevitably led over and again to the subject of addiction…how does that happen?!

IAR_George_100IAR_George_101

IAR_George_111

 

Legal Highs

So pleased to note that Reading Festival banned Legal Highs from their festival over the weekend.

Legal Highs pose a particular kind of problem that to me signals exactly why drugs should maintain an identity in terms of the law. The lack of any kind of legal identification paradoxically indicates safety – ie these are ok as they are no illegal. Yet these substances, clearly identified as ‘not for human consumption’ are made with poisons and toxic substances that are completely unregulated and unidentified exposing the curious teen to life threatening experimentation in the name of a good time and rock ‘n’ roll; particularly when mixed with alcohol.

People need proper education around drugs so they know what risks they are taking, and the proper support available when they run into difficulty.  They also need to recognise difficulty when it happens; sounds strange but it’s true.  An aspect of Addiction is denial; so knowing you have a problem is genuinely hard. The role of the justice system should be to provide support by maintaining a legal line in the sand for those who abuse the system.

How many more deaths need to occur before we take action and follow Reading’s example?

Self Harm

Self harm is a pattern of behaviour that, like so many addictive patterns and dysfunctional coping mechanisms, can be hidden in plain view, even in those as young as under 10 yrs old. Here are some important early warning signs, behaviours and influences that may help you catch it sooner and in a way that is helpful to you and your child. 

There is always a danger of a child being out of their depth when they are driven by emotion, as the self-regulation function is out of register. So for example when someone is angry they will have elevated levels of adrenaline and noradrenalin in their system, which inhibits the experience of pain. So when they are e.g. cutting themselves they may well cut too deep as they simply do not feel it. Its incredibly important to accept a child’s emotional expression, even if it feels too much or out of order.  A child will earn quickly if you help them manage their experience and expression of these emotions respectfully and with boundaries.

If your child is cutting or burning, seek medical help for the wounds; if you feel out of your depth and that you cannot deal with the way your child is behaving then seek support from a child and adolescent psychotherapist (one with integrative arts training is particularly effective for less invasive intervention and assessment) or an EMDR therapist who specialises in working with children. You can also seek support for yourself from an addiction specialist. Trying to deal with it yourself and failing can generate negative emotions, making the child feel even more hopeless and the parent feel useless. Both will foster resentment, which in turn drives the urge to self-harm – a vicious circle.

Please note a child can also self harm by inviting and provoking physical assault from siblings or parents. It is a way to indirectly ventilate emotion, such as anger or hurt, by making another person responsible. If your child (or indeed any member of your family) is perpetually making you want to rage at them or hit them, then they may be using you as a conduit to express their own pain. The acting out is simply a purging of the overwhelm and will not deal with the problem. So the parent who feels ‘better’ after screaming is describing the feeling of empty before inevitably ‘filling up ‘ again. The answer is to treat the pattern as a clue to a hidden issue that if dealt with appropriately can be treated. Again EMDR is particularly effective as a brief and non-invasive trauma intervention. It works with an ‘unconscious’ part of the brain, and can bring about significant changes for a person in terms of how they manage mood and memories, in a relatively short period of time.  Highly effective for children as they don’t need to be able to talk well to get well.

I think we need to keep in mind how much pressure children are under to perform in today’s globally competitive world. They are competing physically, mentally, socially, practically…. And children are very quick to criticise and shame one another, and have access to multiple ways to put themselves up by putting another person down. (i.e. bullying, cyber bullying). The impact of negative attention can spread widely and quickly, alienating and scapegoating a child almost overnight. Children know this and are keen to remain ‘in’ with one another, placing them on high alert about what they wear, look like – weight, size, fashion sense, ability, image, spots, hair growth, etc.

Constant exams and testing places them under strain to pass but doesn’t introduce a concept of in-depth learning and consideration, so they are culturally encouraged to skim the surface – by implication, this does not teach them how to cope with deeper emotions. I often meet children who think they are ridiculous and over sensitive for having certain emotional needs or experiences, yet on further exploration I will often find they are displaying and experiencing a ‘normal’ level of affect.

I believe that many children are left to their own devices too much and do not have what I would consider to be a consistent model of a ‘good enough parent’ – providing the temporary regulation, a respectful guide, in a consistent way of a parent who is in good shape themselves. Many parents are over stretched and as a result either the child ends up taking care of the parent (not needing or wanting anything from them) or they sadly neglect the child’s core needs believing that to simply feed them, have a laugh and get them to school is enough. Children’s brains are not fully developed until the end of the teen years so until then they require guidance (decreasing as they get older) from someone they can trust and respect – pie in the sky?

I have met countless children in the middle class demographic, who when they experience profound emotion will seek ways to cope with it that are self-sufficient and appear to be short term. (ie hitting self when angry, punching self, banging head against a wall, scratching, cutting, burning, starving) and their families know they do it have not taken it seriously, often coping with it by making a joke of how sensitive the child is, perhaps in the hope that it will simply ‘go away’. But in my experience these things often graduate into eating disorders, codependence (needy giving), and alcohol and drug abuse and misuse. It is a visible part of the addictive cycle that is awash in today’s culture and it should be dealt with seriously at an early age when there is an opportunity for effective and brief intervention.

 

ACOA

ACOA is an anachronism for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Nowadays you can replace ‘Alcoholics’ for ‘Addicts’ to include children from families suffering from any addiction – the impact is the same.

Guilty fury, self-sufficiency and insecurity are core characteristics of this condition, developed in the child who grows up in a family where addiction is present. For ‘addiction’ in families, read ‘inconsistent parenting in a culture of persistent low self-esteem and blame, where the parent uses something outside of themselves to prop them up and it causes damage’. Addiction is NOT all about the manifestations, though this is where the attention most often falls, eg drinking or using drugs. Of course in these cases the damages are very clear. But that is not the extent of the addictive condition, simply the most visible.

I believe we need to wake up to the extensive reach addiction has into today’s society. It is a human condition out of whack. It is where emotions and behaviour pitch into the extremes, and more of you out there are addicts than I suspect would admit it. Active denial is fundamental in maintaining an addictive status quo. Denial is minimising, exaggerating, generalising, universalising…making what ‘is’ into something else so it can be overlooked, swept under the carpet. Examples of this are ‘Everybody does it’ ‘its not that bad’ ‘I only did it once’ etc etc.

At the risk of coming across like the anti fun squad (though those of you who know me will KNOW this is about as far from the truth as possible) the way we behave in this society as parents is fostering a culture of neglect, self sufficiency, arrogance, entitlement, grandiosity, low self esteem and self centredness in our children. For example we do not seem to encourage boundaries (life on life’s terms as opposed to life on the child’s terms) as so many parents are too busy so it suits them to leave the child to their own devices, or too afraid to meet their disapproval. Trouble is coming in the form of Adult Children of dysfunctional family environments and until we accept addiction in broader terms sustainable change can never happen.

So it will continue to get worse; we are more likely to continue to scapegoat at the fire-fighting end where addiction looks like drugs and alcohol, introducing measures to mitigate for damages. We are in danger of seeing addiction through these eyes and trying to control this out of control condition. Instead let us move our attention to the broader view, where addiction operates within families in the form of eg sex and love addiction, co-dependence, (childhood relational trauma, all grown up), gambling (maybe ‘fiscally successfully’), exercise, shopping…or better still to educate people around the core characteristics of expectations, isolation, resentment and blame. To wake someone up to the grandiosity of believing they always know best about somebody else; or to the well-oiled victim position that plays their family and friends invisibly like a master puppeteer, so that you feel sorry for them, adopting a position of what you think is compassion, but is actually judgment and enablement.  I could go on.

It is frustrating when I talk to people of influence who still regard addiction as about drugs or alcohol, gambling or work. It is so much more, so deeply entrenched and we as a society are so very blind.

Please note recent article below by Clare Fallon, Sky News Reporter

The National Association for Children of Alcoholics receives more than 4,500 calls a year – many from under 18s who are struggling to cope.

Their youngest ever caller was a five-year-old girl whose alcohol-dependent mother had committed suicide in the bathroom.

Hilary Henriques, one of the founders of the charity, warns the recession has only made the situation worse with addicts drinking to cope with financial pressure and in turn struggling to fund their alcohol problem.

She said: “Alcoholics who drink don’t choose to drink. Drink is how they get through the day.”

Martin Williams is one of the alcoholic parents the charity has helped.

He describes how his relationship with alcohol became more important that his relationship with his two children.

“They stopped becoming the priority. The drink became the priority. And you try and juggle the two,” he said.

Now though, he has been off the drink for more than three years and says his children are getting their dad back – an improved, sober version.

The most recent figures show around one-fifth of children are living with someone drinking dangerous amounts of alcohol.

According to research, the impact of having an alcoholic parent can be lifelong, with significantly increased chances of developing mental health problems and eating disorders.

Children of alcoholics are also more likely to get into trouble with police and develop a drink problem themselves.

Rosey, 20, has now moved out of home and is studying at university.

While her flatmates enjoy a typical student lifestyle, she does not touch alcohol and says does not think she ever will.

Rosey’s father has been an alcoholic as long as she can remember.

She describes how she never invited school friends back home because she did not what them to meet her “slurring and rocking” dad.

She says she has given up thinking it’s her job to try to help him.

The charity Children of Addicted People and Parents said such situations are common.

Its founding director Emma Spiegler describes the situation faced by many youngsters as “a hell hole with no escape”.

But she insists with help and support children can come through it.

“Together we can help to break the silence, secrecy and stigma young people keep bottled up inside,” she said.

See also:

www.adultchildren.org   www.drugfam.co.uk

 

Post Induction Therapy

pit photo

Pia Mellody and her training team with Mandy, Dita and Victoria from Charter!

Last week I was fortunate enough to attend a week of Post Induction Therapy with Pia Mellody in Arizona.  The model is focused on recovery from the relational trauma that manifests painfully later in life in self-destructive processes such as addiction, codependence and dysfunctional relationships.

As you can see from the photos I am not good at having my picture taken and closed my eyes to the experience!  I also do not have a great reputation for attention in class, with past school days littered with truancy.  (We teach best that which we most need to learn…!) But last week I was captivated.  Not all week I admit as I found the lecturing a bit tiring, but the information itself, the model, is wonderfully human and accessible.  It makes sense, and is interwoven with personal experience, crucially demanding that the therapist also is well!

The genuine integrity of the model was reinforced by the humility of the teachers. Both Pia and Sarah, who was co-facilitating, were keen to teach yet not hungry for applause. In fact Pia regularly yet subtly sidestepped the guru status that was often laid at her feet instead asserting the model as the prize and encouraging personal responsibility.

The PIT model aligns easily with the  therapeutic model at Charter, which is also borne of hard graft and personal experience and it should be relatively easy to integrate the two. This means the clients will experience more bodywork and shame reduction work, paying increased attention to relational childhood trauma and to the 5 core symptoms of codependence Pia describes in her books. We will also provide an intensive 3-day Trauma Reduction Workshop every 6 weeks which is inspired by ‘Survivors’ (The Meadows).

This is not a self-indulgent model it is an operation. It’s all about going home and getting on with your life, which is like a breath of fresh air.

Thank you too to my travel companions and co-trainees, Dita and Vic.  Getting to know you and spend last week with you was really special and enormous fun and I am privileged to have you on the Charter team.

 

 

New Year Sober

It can be a real challenge staying in recovery at this time of year. Everywhere you look there seems to be food, alcohol, drugs…it’s hard to see anything other than the things you have decided to stop doing.  I’ve noticed this phenomenon before in my life, for example after I had a miscarriage all I seemed to see were pregnant women everywhere.  Believe it or not, this process has a name: attentional bias.  Your brain can take in massive amounts of diverse information, but we would live in a state of perpetual overwhelm if we didn’t have a filter system. So according to past preferences and current stimuli, your brain begins a selection process to decide what to bring to your conscious attention. Thus if you have prioritised a certain topic for long enough, your brain is primed to clear it through the selection process and hey presto: it arrives as a conscious thought.

Thus in the early stages of recovery your behaviour may have changed but the filter system remains as it was for a while, offering up ‘stinking thinking’ supported by evidence provided by your brain’s attentional bias. You need to be able to challenge this primed experience and seek out new experiences that are clean and sober, as they do exist.

It is that familiar dichotomy: listen to your feelings, don’t listen to your feelings. This means that you need to be able to have your feelings, but don’t let them dictate your behaviour. Do not believe your own press, instead stick to the plan!

So this New Year’s Eve don’t wait to be hijacked by old thoughts, make plans!

  1. Find out if any of your sober friends want to go out and make arrangements to meet and go out together as a crowd
  2. Go somewhere familiar – its often tempting to do something different because its NYE, but it often goes wrong
  3. Don’t call anyone from your past on a whim: stay in the present with people you are with
  4. If you do want to go out in a mixed crowd, make sure someone you trust in onside to help support you to stay sober, and lean on them
  5. Know what you will drink – here’s a few of my and friends favourites… ginger beer, cranberry juice, lime and soda, lemonade, elderflower, appletise, Virgin Mary,
  6. Remember it’s the build up of feelings (usually resentment) that fuels a relapse – be with people you can talk honestly to, and talk to them!
  7. If you decide to stay in on your own make sure you have things to entertain you – DVDs or a good book, with a healthy meal and a couple of friends phone numbers to check in with because that pang of loneliness may come and it’s a powerful adversary to take on alone…channel flicking at midnight is NOT a good idea as you are likely to see the best bits of everyone else’s parties and you will feel its too late to call to chat…
  8. If you run into trouble, call the AA/NA helpline – there is always someone to speak to who understands…you are truly not alone: many have gone before you and many will follow, all you have to do is the rest right thing
  9. Get to a meeting on NYE and remember the gift that is recovery: share positively
  10. Before you take any decision, play the tape forward and call someone

And at the end of the day, remember, its just another night.  So here’s wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope that 2013 mark the beginning of a year that you are proud of.

Illness

Couldn’t believe it…as I turned the key behind me on Friday night, I almost immediately felt ill. Over the 2 hours commute home I felt worse and worse and by the time I got back I could barely walk. I took cold and flu capsules and took to my bed, only to wake the next morning with a ferocious cough and cold that left me breathless. But I had been meticulously working towards this week for months and was going to put up a fight!

Being ill is always a challenge for people in recovery.  Do you take the meds or not? Should you take ones that make you drowsy or contain codeine? Not a great idea… So where is your bottom line?

Thankfully I have had the good fortune to know an amazing natural healer who has shared many secrets with me over the years, one of which I shall share with you now…

A drink that tastes FAR better than it sounds (it couldn’t taste worse!), this will boost your immune system, and protect many of your main organs including the heart and the liver (it will also get you socially rejected…don’t take it personally!).

Whizz: 3 peeled garlic cloves, 2 unpeeled carrots I stick of celery with leaves, I medium tomato, 1scrubbed sweet potato, unpeeled, & cut into sticks, ½ deseeded Jalepeno pepper, a thumb length of white radish and add water for texture.

Drink twice a day for 3 days!

Good health and happy Christmas!

One year clean and sober, in a letter to her brother, this Charter alumni feels the pain of the family illness…

“A year and a half ago you came to visit me in one of the detox centres I was in and out of, and told me you were scared I was going to kill myself in my active addiction. You were so frightened I would die and at the time I couldn’t and didn’t want to hear you. I was so in it I couldn’t acknowledge what I was doing to myself or to my family.

Thank you for trying though and for being there.

Today I need to tell you how I feel: Its my turn to feel scared that now you will kill yourself with your alcoholism. You and I share the condition of alcoholism/addiction (it’s one and the same) and what I also want to tell you is this: it is soooo possible to have a good quality life without drugs or alcohol!

Though I am the first to understand and the last to judge how you live your life, I am extremely worried for and about you. Frequent drunk driving and destroying our body and health are just two of the many examples of crazy things we both do in active alcoholism/addiction. I can’t continue to stand by and pretend it’s okay, that’s it’s normal and that’s just the way it is- it’s not okay- it’s not normal- and you deserve so much better. You are a beautiful and very special person who deserves a good and happy life.

Before, I couldn’t imagine a life without drink or drugs- what would be left of me?? I was also really scared to stop because then I would have to face my past and my demons and deal with my issues- I thought it would be harder than continuing to use. But nothing is worst than the acute pain of the shame, loneliness and guilt that accompanies active alcoholism/addiction.

Life is not easy but from where I was, I am now generally content and even often happy! And I feel free of that constant shame, guilt, obsession and control- no more lies, I can look people in the eyes (including my family who I adore) and I feel free and hopeful!

THIS IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TOO!! I believe this 100% and I am so here for you if and when you decide to ask for help. And we can kick this disease in the ass!

I love you and hope to see you soon.”